Being a sexual person
My name is Fred, I was born in a christian home but since I
grew up, I've been practising "immorality". I do things that
My own soul dislikes. I want to stop, but I can't...I tried several
times to quit, but I just can't. O Lord, please help me quit such a
Thank You, Jesus. Amen.
See the following article on masturbation and lust. Perhaps it will
Let me know if this is what you are looking for in the way
of help? Most men struggle with lust, but many do not talk about it
and suffer in secret.
Well, that's quite true, "lust". Whenever I see girls, I get attracted
to them. But I have NEVER had any sexual intercourse before. I'm
almost 21 and some of my friends think I'm "too" old to be a virgin
(at my age). Also, sometimes, I get an "erection" and really feel the
need for sex. In fact, I had been a really faithful christian all my
life but since I started university (this year 2000), things have
changed. Everyone talks about sex, most people in this school have
"partners" and that if one doesn't have any, he/she looks kind of
"lonely." I hope you know what I mean. I really don't know what to do
right now. I'm still praying to the Lord for devine healing. Thank
You. May The Lord be with You. Your's in Christ, Fred.
We live in a decadent, pagan, sex-saturated society. We are
assaulted all day long by the immoral values of our fallen
Being a virgin is not just a matter of outward actions. "whoever has
looked upon a woman lustfully, has already committed adultery with
her in his heart." So our thought life and fantasies matter!
Most guys in college have a constant battle with lust and sexual
temptation. It helps to form a small men's accountability group so you
can pray for one another. We Christians all need one another and a few
friends in a small group will make a huge difference. God usually does
not zap us free from all lust and all temptation--He helps us to turn
away and to commit our thoughts and feelings to Him one step at a
You will be much better off in the long run if you avoid intercourse
until you are married.
I'm trying to "avoid" intercourse as possibly as I can until I
marry. I hope I'll able to. But, one problem is that I'll be totally
ignorant about sex and that when I marry, my "wife" will find my
"inexperience". Don't you think so? I believe one needs to gain some
experience before he/she undertakes any venture, am I right? So, I
thought I'll have sex at least once in my life in order to "know" what
a man is supposed to do when he is with a woman. Or I shouldn't?
There is a big lie of the devil running around. Sex before marriage
will not make sex better after marriage. Instead you will enter your
marriage with a mind full of lustful memories, with guilt and
defilement. You will be less able to give yourself totally to your
wife.She will pick that up as well.
One does not get a better understanding of drunkenness by drinking.
When we do things out of the will of God we are always scarred.
God will make sex 1000 times better if you enter marriage a virgin.
I can see that you are a very Strong Believer. In fact, I can see how
the Gospel has weaved into your heart. I wish I can be like you! You
know the Bible pretty well that no devil can "deceive" you in any
way. Now, I want to "know" how I can resist this "demonic temptation"
of sex. How can I "eliminate" sex out of my life? How Can I STOP
thinking about sex? IS this possible? Can a guy possibly stop thinking
about sex in this world? Hmm. I know only about 1 in a thousand guys
married before they LOST their virginity. Statistics shows most people
(both girls and boys) loose their virginity by the age of sixteen
(16)! Look at this? Isn't it weird to remain a virgin up 21? It is. My
friends don't even believe me when I say I'm a "virgin". They say "is
it impossible", considering my age! See? I need help. Bye...Worried.
I'm Mike, one of the members of the Paraclete Forum team that
occasionally helps answer e-mails. Please forgive me for coming
into this conversation in the middle like this, but I can share your
concern, and a few of your latest comments sparked some thoughts in my
mind. Indeed sexuality is one topic that seems to cause Christians
much confusion and grief, especially men, in our sex saturated society
(as Lambert pointed out below). Perhaps I can provide some input that
will help, as a man who contemplates this issue even being married and
33 years old.
Now, I want to "know" how I can resist this "demonic temptation" of
sex. How can I "eliminate" sex out of my life? How Can I STOP
thinking about sex? IS this possible? Can a guy possibly stop thinking
about sex in this world? The short answer to your questions above is;
no, men usually don't just stop thinking about sex, and no, you won't
"get sex out of your life". Here, I believe is the crux of the
dilemma for many Christian men. Our sex drive, as a man, will never
leave us. It is not something that we can turn on and off like a
faucet. Sexuality is something that God gave men and women, it is
part of our physical makeup that isn't designed to be ignored nor over
indulged. I think that if we could turn our sex drive on and off at
will, that act would be a great source of pride for men; justification
for our salvation, a reason for us men to fee in control and powerful.
Perhaps that is what men are often doing in a round-about opposite
action when we refuse to turn our sexual drive over to Christ and
decide to be promiscuous.
Furthermore I do not see sexual urges or feelings as "demonic
temptations" as you describe. I can see how it can feel this way,
especially since sexual feelings are often so strong and seemingly
uncontrollable. We (as men) can sometimes feel as if our sexual
desires have a life of their own, and when we feel this way we are out
of our minds with desire and in a way feel "demonic". The intensity
of the feelings or desires or emotions can be so strong that it often
scares us, and we don't what to admit that we have these intense
feelings inside of us. It can seem easier to cast blame on a "demon"
then to confess our weakness to Christ as our own. However are are
reminded that if we can confess our deepest emotions to God, we will
get a response:
[Heb 4:12-16] "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than
any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of
joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the
heart. And before him no creature is hidden, but all are open and
laid bare to the eyes of him with whom we have to do. Since then we
have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus,
the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we have not a
high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one
who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let
us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may
receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
I don't know of a scripture that say that intense emotions or feelings
are "bad". It is strange how the Lord gives us emotions and drives
that sometimes seems to overtake us and muck up our "good track
record" with God. James reminds us that our desires are our own;
[James 1:12-15] "Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has
stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has
promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, "I
am tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted with evil and he himself
tempts no one; but each person is tempted when he is lured and
enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives
birth to sin; and sin when it is full-grown brings forth death."
But it is the enemy that likes to come along side of our desires and
encourage us to twist them, act out, and entice us into using feelings
and desires in ways other than what God has planned for us. But Paul
reminds us that one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control;
[Gal 5:16-25] "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and do not gratify the
desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the
Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh; for these
are opposed to each other, to prevent you from doing what you would.
But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law. Now the
works of the flesh are plain: fornication, impurity, licentiousness,
idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness,
dissension, party spirit, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and the
like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such
things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the
Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law.
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its
passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by
I think when attempting to approach this whole subject as a Christian
we need to remember that Jesus' death on a cross gives freedom to
believers from the eternal effects of sin (Rom 6:23.2 "For the wages
of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ
Jesus our Lord."), but it does not remove the possibility of sin.
This distinction cannot be overlooked and should not be forgotten
especially when sexuality is the issue. I think as a Christian is we
do not have a healthy respect for the amount of sin in our lives, and
the desperate need for a savior to remove them from us. We will not
last long in the relationship with Christ if we do not understand our
need for salvation.
It can be easy to categorize the problems we face as Christians as sin
(stealing, anger, hatred, etc.), and then there's the special category
of sexual sin (lust, promiscuity, fornication, etc). True enough,
sexual sin in the only sin of the Bible which is described as hurtful
to us personally (in our physical bodies) and our spiritual bodies;
[1Cor 6:15-20] "Do you not know that your bodies are members of
Christ? Shall I therefore take the members of Christ and make them
members of a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who joins
himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is
written, "The two shall become one flesh." But he who is united to
the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Shun immorality. Every other
sin which a man commits is outside the body; but the immoral man sins
against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of
the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God? You are not your
own; you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."
However, our sexuality does not dictate our walk with Christ. The
intensity of our sexual drive, as men, can often overshadow all other
areas of sin in our lives so much that we can often make that the
focal point in our walk. In other words if we are being "good"
sexually, and have our focus on that aspect of our walk, and become
blinded to the other areas of our lives which God may be working on,
we may not be growing in our relationship with Christ as we may appear
to ourselves. The real issue as a Christian man is not "How can I
'eliminate' sex out of my life?", as you questions below (an honest
and fair question too!), but rather the real question is "How can I
eliminate SIN out of my life". The answer is easy, you can't but
Jesus can. Understanding what a broken wreck of a creature we are
without Christ as our center is the beginning of an honest
relationship with God. This is a daily reminder. Our sex drive isn't
evil in itself, it is just one of those more visible reminders of how
fragile we are without Christ. How we can be tossed too and fro by
any little whim or whimper from our emotions. This is a daily
struggle, there are no quick fixes. Sorry.
The apostle Paul understood this extremely well. In Romans Paul
discusses all types of people, all who are broken, weak and needing
redemption, none exempt from needing complete an total salvation
through Christ. But Paul goes further to explain that he completely
understands that he is in constant war with his physical body (the
flesh) and his spiritual body (the spirit). Paul points out that
constant needs for grace through faith. If you have not done so, I
encourage your to read Ray Stedman's commentary on the book of Romans.
It can be found here:
At the bottom of the page above is a link for a single PDF file that
contains the entire series. This may have some answers for you about
this whole subject, and more. I know that my Christian walk was
completely turned around after a good study in Romans, and Ray's
teachings here were key to this new understanding. This is well worth
reading with your questions in mind. I know only about 1 in a thousand
guys married before they LOST their virginity. Statistics shows most
people (both girls and boys) loose their virginity by the age of
sixteen (16)! Look at this? Isn't it weird to remain a virgin up 21?
It is. My friends don't even believe me when I say I'm a
"virgin". They say "is it impossible", considering my age! See? I
need help. I wonder if your friends who say this are also trying to
maintain a relationship with Christ? If your eyes are on Christ as
the authority of your life, and theirs is not, I can see why they
would not understand.
The statistics that you quote above my actually be true, but be
careful here when looking at them. They are statistics, not rules for
your life! Statistics are a representation of what is happening "in
general", but this is no way sheds any light on if this is good, or
"weird" or acceptable, at all. It is just a statistic. That's all.
Does the source of this statistic follow up with any other information
that will prove truly useful here? Like; of those who are under 21
and no longer a virgin, how many teen pregnancies were a result? What
is the rate of sexually transmitted diseases (STD) in those age
groups? How many of those 16 year olds that are sexually active feel
more happy and fulfilled now that they are sexually active? How many
are sober when they are sexually active, and how many are on some sort
of drug when they are sexually active? Are their relationships with
their sexual partners benefiting from their sexual activity? Are they
closer and more intimate (what sex is suppose to do) or are they just
having sex? "Lost" is a good word. You have with you a gift, the
best gift that you can give to your mate on your wedding night. Guard
it! I know of no one who after waiting to become sexually active with
their husband or wife, that was disappointed.
[Phil 4:6-10] "Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by
prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be
made known to God. And the peace of God, which passes all
understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever
is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things."
I hope some of this helps.
December 29, 2000